Jimmie Delzell's Steam Trap
by Crawford Howard, re.Jimmy Dalzell
Amended by Robert Delzell
Now they built a big ship up in Belfast
She was made to sell to the Turks
And they called on the yards Chief Designer
To design all the engines and works
Now finally the engines was ready
And they screwed in the very last part
Then the chief says ‘Lets see how she runs, lads’
An bygolly! The thing wouldnt start!
So they tinkered and puttered an’ adjusted
An’ the engineers faces got red
The designer he stood lookin’ stupid
An scratchin’ the back of his head.
But while they were fiddlin’ and workin’
Up danders oul’ Jimmie Dalzell
He had worked twenty years in the ‘Island’
And ten in the ‘aircraft’ as well.
So he pushed and he squezed and he muttered
Till he got himself through to the front
And he has a good look roun’ the engine
An’ he gives a few mutters and grunts.
And then he looks up at the Gaffer
An’ says he, ‘Mr. Smith, d’ye know?
They’ve left out the Diagonal Steam Trap!
How the hell d’ye think it could go?
Now the engineer eyed the designer
The designer he looks at the ‘Hat’
And they whispered the one t’ the other
Diagonal Steam Trap? What’s that?
But the Gaffer, he wouldn’t admit, like
To not knowin’ what this was about,
So he says ‘Right enough, we were stupid!
The Diagnonal Steam Trap’s left out!
Now in the meantime oul’ Jimmie had scarpered
-away down to throw in his boord-
An the Gaffer comes up and says ‘Jimmy!
D’ye think we could have a wee word?’
Now oul’ Jimmy was laughin’ his scone off
He had made it all up for a gag
He seen what was stoppin the engine-
The feed-pipe was blocked with a rag!
But he sticks the oul’ hands in the pockets
An he say ‘Aye, Ill give yez a han’
I’ll knock yez one up in the mornin’
An’ the whole bloody thing will be grand!’
So oul’ Jim starts to work the next mornin’
To make what he called a Steam Trap,
An oul’ box an a few bits of tubing
An’ a steam guage stuck onto the top.
An’ he welds it all onto the engine
And he says to the wonderin’ mob
‘As long as that guage is at zero
The Steam Trap is doin’ its job!
Then he pulls the rag outa’ the feed-pipe
An gives the oul’ engine a try
An’ begolly ! She goes like the clappers
An’ oul’ Jimmy remarks “That’s her nye!
Now the ship was the fastest seen ever
So they sent her away to the Turks
But they toul’ them “That Steam Trap’s a secret!
We’re the only ones know how it works!
But the Turks they could not keep their mouths shut
An’ soon the whole story got roun’
An’ the Russians got quite interested -
- Them boys has their ears to the groun’!
So they sent a spy dressed as a sailor
To take photies of Jimmy’s Steam Trap
An they got them all back to the Kremlin
An’ they stood round to look at the snaps.
The the head spy says ‘Mr. Kosygin!
I’m damned if I see how it works!’
So they sent him straight off to Siberia
An’ they bought the whole ship from the Turks!
When they found out the Steam Trap was a joke, like,
They couldn’t admit they’d been had
So they built a big factory in Moscow
To start makin’ steam Traps like mad!
The Kosygi rings up Mr. Nixon
And he says ‘You’se ‘uns thinks yez are great!
But wi’ our big new Russian made Steam Trap
Yez’ll find out we’ve got yez all bate.
Now oul’ Nixon, nearly went ‘harpic
So he thought he’d give Belfast a call
And he dialled the engine-shop number
And of course he got big bosses all
But at last the call got down to Jimmy
An’ the shop was guiet as could be
There’s a call for you here from the White House
Says oul’ Jim ‘Now what could they be wantin’ of me?
Now there’s a factory outside of Seattle
Where they’re turnin’ out Steam Traps like Hell
It employs twenty-five thousand workers
And the head of it - Jimmy Dalzell