What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? 
Pour Santa flush on him. 

Why does Santa have 3 gardens? 
So he can ho-ho-ho. 

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? 
It's true....Comet cleans sinks! 

What do elves learn in school?
The ELF-abet.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What kind of bird can write to Santa?
A PEN-guin

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long distance-runners on each side.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?
Beacuse every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
We'll have a "boo" Christmas without you.

ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF#2: "OKay everyone, sack time!"

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe!!!!! 

Mom, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !

What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " ! 

What did the big christmas cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed ! 

What bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth ! 

We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus ! 

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said .
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said. 

Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!

Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!

I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour! 

Santa  lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not?
Because it wasn't raining!

How does Santa Claus climb up a chimney?
He uses a ladder in the stocking!

Why are a lion at the beach and Christmas alike? 
Because the lion has sandy claws. 

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? 
Because it soots him. 

What can Santa give away and still keep? 
A cold. 

What kind of fish does Santa find in a birdcage? 
A perch. 

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year? 
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone.
 
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? 
He wanted to sleep like a log. ! 

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? 
Missletoe! 

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? 
Because it has long-distance runners on each side. 

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? 
Because every buck is dear to him. 

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? 
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! 

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? 
Crisp Cringle. 

JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? 
MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you. 
ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? 
ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!! 
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime? 
Sandy Claus! 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 
Frostbite. 

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? 
Ribbon hood. 

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? 
A cookie sheet! 

Who sings "Love me tender", and makes Christmas toys? 
Santa's little Elvis. 

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? 
Snowflakes. 

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? 
"Rude"olph 

What reindeer has thecleanest antlers? 
Comet 
Why did they let the turkey join the band? 
Because it had the drum sticks. 

What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time? 
Jungle Bells. 

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit

What did the guest sing at Eskimo's Christmas party?
...Freeze a jolly good fellow..

What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?
Baby reindeer.


What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

Did you know that all the angels in Jesus' heavenly choir had
the same name? Sure, haven't you ever heard the song, "Hark,
the Harold Angels Sing"?

What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff?
He gets snowflakes.

What do you call a cow in Alaska?
An Eski-moo. 

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus on Christmas Eve?
Looks like rain, dear. 

What do you call Santa with no money? 
St. Nickel-less