THE WORKS OF MERCY
The works of mercy are tasks expected
of followers of Jesus Christ, because they deal with the kinds of things
Jesus indicated he expected his followers to demonstrate. They are not so
imperative as the Ten Commandments. They are, instead, acts of
kindness which show one's love for one's fellow man. They give us
opportunities to show caring for strangers as well as those with whom we share
closeness and love already.
Let me hasten to say that while
Christian teachings speak specifically to these principles, and even give them a
sort of formal numbering, these standards of behavior are by no means the
exclusive province of Christians. Even a casual observer of human behavior
will readily observe these qualities present in good men and women
everywhere. They cross national, language, and religious
boundaries. Many Christians use the expression, "The Christian
thing to do." I prefer to avoid that expression. It smacks of
arrogance. "It is the caring thing to do," is much nicer and
more inclusive.
As with my other articles which poke
some fun at religious subject, I remind you that it is the foibles of
human nature which are being teased here, not the principle discussed.
THE CORPORAL WORKS OF MERCY
1. FEED THE HUNGRY
A wealthy woman from Beverly Hills
was confronted on the street by a beggar.
"I haven't eaten a thing in two
days," said the man.
"Good heavens," the woman
said. "I wish I had your will power."
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Signs at a Bar-Mitzvah
At a Bar-Mitzvah, the rabbi
stacked a bunch of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take
only one apple, please -- God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a
pile of cookies, in front of which a friend of the bar-mitzvah boy had
placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the
apples."
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From: "Joke List" <rodney@rcjokelist.com>
Date: March 29, 2001 11:39 PM
Good morning everyone. The other
day I was preparing another one of my gourmet meals. I asked my wife Cathy to go
over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables for the evening meal.
She came back rather upset.
I asked her what happened and she
replied, "That produce guy is a real jerk. He must think I'm blonde or
something!"
"But you are blonde," I
reminded her.
"Not that way. He thought I was
stupid or something. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I
couldn't find any. So I asked that old guy where the organic vegetables were.
He didn't seem to understand so I
said, "These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"
The produce guy looked at me and
said, "No, ma'm. You'll have to do that yourself!"
-----------------------------------------
"Americans are a strange breed," quipped David Ben-Gurion.
"They devote one day a year to fathers, and a whole week to pickles."
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In the Park
A Jewish man took his Passover
lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.
Since Jews do not eat leavened bread
during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened
bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little while later a blind man came
by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet
of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a
few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this
crap?"
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Dinner
A newly married lady asks her new
husband if he would like dinner. The husband, thrilled that he no longer has to
have TV dinners or whatever concoction HE would come up with, like in his
bachelor days."
He says "Yes, honey, that would
be GREAT! What are my choices?"
The new wife looks back at him and
without a smile or smirk responds, "yes or no."
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2. GIVE DRINK TO THE THIRSTY
"If God didn't want us to drink,
He wouldn't have given us two livers."
-- Mark Schmidt
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Sign seen in a bar:
"Those drinking to forget
please pay in advance."
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"I feel sorry for people who
don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going
to feel all day."
--Frank Sinatra
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Sir, if you were my husband, I
would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would
drink it. --His reply
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3. CLOTHE THE NAKED
A new pastor moved into a town,
and he went out one Saturday to visit his parishoners. All went well until he
came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the
door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card,
wrote on the back "Revelations 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the
offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the
notation "Genesis 3:10."
******
Rev. 3:20- "Behold, I stand at
the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in
to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Gen. 3:10- "And he said, I
heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid
myself."
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4. SHELTER THE HOMELESS
From: <oyveymaster@thedailydose.com> Date: April 2, 2001 7:07 AM
Far isn't a homeless word
The following story reminds us of
the Czarist oppression, and of the pathos of a people without a home.
Three wandering Jews, tired and bedraggled by their journey, were caught at the
Russian border in the times of the last Czar.
"Where were you going, you
three?" asked the magistrate sternly.
"I was hoping to go to
Palestine," said the first.
"My destination was Rome,"
said the second.
"I had planed to go to
Australia," said the third.
"Australia?" asked the
surprised magistrate. "Why so far?"
"Far?" whispered the Jew
with a catch in his voice. "Far from where?"
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5. COMFORT THE IMPRISONED
Prosecutor: "Did you kill the
victim?"
Defendant: "No, I did not."
Prosecutor: "Do you know what
the penalties are for perjury?"
Defendant: "Yes, I do. And
they're a lot better than the penalty for murder."
------------------------------------
Serial killers always say, "I heard voices." Why don't those voices ever say, "Go dancing," or "Bake a cake?"
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Need a Carpenter?
Several years ago, Andy was
sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all
his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and
made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as
one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend
pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported
back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling
his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the
skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had
promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete
the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the
warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting
is what got me into prison in the first place".
------------------------------
6. VISIT THE SICK
An ABC talkback was started on
radio about the funny side of death. A woman rang in and told how her
grandfather was in hospital and was expected to die soon. She received a call
from the hospital to come as quickly as possible, and so she raced over to her
grandfather's bed, where she found a nurse massaging his feet in front of a
radiator she had placed on a chair.
The woman asked, "What are you
doing?"
The nurse replied, "I'm keeping
his feet warm. Nobody ever died with warm feet."
Grandpa, who had been unconscious,
suddenly woke up and said, "Joan of Arc did," and promptly died.
The woman couldn't think of a nicer
memory to have of grandpa's death, as he had died the way he had lived, making
people laugh.
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7. BURY THE DEAD
Something for Charlie
Unable to attend the funeral after
his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told
him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00,
which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also
paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But, when the bills for $200.00 kept
arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was
going on.
"Well," said the other
brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie.... So, I rented
him a tuxedo!"
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THE SPIRITUAL WORKS OF MERCY
1. ADMONISH SINNERS
Subject: Lying
A minister told his congregation,
"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand
the sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared
to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said,
"Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of
lying."
-----------------------
Home Discipline
Two men were talking at work.
Since they both have teenagers living in their households one was
complaining, "When I was a teenager, I was disciplined by being sent to my
room without dinner. But my niece has her own color TV, VCR, phone, computer and
stereo in her room.
"So what do you do?" asked
the other.
"I send her to MY room!" he
said.
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2. INSTRUCT THE UNINFORMED
While working as a volunteer at
our local Boy Scout Council office, one of the professional staff -- who was
wearing street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking about the
International Phonetic Alphabet.
She said that she had learned it some
years ago and proceeded to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie,
Delta..."
But, when she got to the letter
"U," she stumbled and asked for help. I offered a hint: "What
aren't you wearing today?"
"Underwear?" she replied.
--------------------------------------------
3. COUNSEL THE DOUBTFUL
Time Check
Every morning for years, at about
11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from
a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask
him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local
sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon
so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's
really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock
by your whistle.
--------------------------------
4. COMFORT THE SORROWFUL
Father O'Grady was saying his
goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does
when Mary Clancy came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so,
dear?" inquired Father O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible
news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away
last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father,
"that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes, he did father,"
replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please,
Mary, put down the gun...'"
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Six months after the waiter died,
his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man.
During the seance, the widow was sure
she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.
"Arnold!" she cried.
"Come closer and speak to me!"
A hoarse voice from the corner
wailed, "I can't. It's not my table."
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5. BE PATIENT WITH THOSE IN ERROR
The farmer, very proud of his son
who was home on vacation from college, said, “What are you learning?”
“History, English and algebra,” the
son said.
“Say somethin’ in algebra,” the
farmer said.
Not wanting to disappoint his father,
the son said, “Pi R square.”
The farmer gave the boy a disgusted look
and said, “Ya oughta better’n that, son. Pie are round; corn bread are
square.”
-----------------------------
Father: "Son, I'm very
worried about you being at the bottom of your class."
Son: "Don't fret Dad. They teach
the same stuff to both ends."
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Baby in Store
A new mom took her baby daughter
to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe.
At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around
her.
At the checkout line a small boy and
his mother were ahead of them. The child was crying and begging for some
special treat.
He wants some candy or gum and his
mother won't let him have any, she thought.
Then she heard his mother's reply.
"No!" she said, looking in her direction. "You may not have a
baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"
-----------------------------------
6. FORGIVE OFFENSES
Confession Limits
The priest had just finished
hearing the man's confession and was considering the man's penance.
"Are you sure you're going to
try to set aside all sin ?"
"Yes father, I certainly am
going to try." replied the man.
"I hereby resolve to double my
efforts."
"And you're going to attend mass
regularly, my son ?" the priest went on.
"Yes, father, I realize I have
strayed." said the man. "I will both confess and go to mass every
week."
"And how about your debts and
those you have cheated ?" inquired the priest.
"Now, just a minute,
father." said the man. "You're talking business, not religion."
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A long time ago, early in their
marriage, my dad had done something really stupid. He apologized,
they made up.
However, from time to time, my Mom
mentioned what he had done.
"Honey," my Dad finally
said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was
'forgive and forget.' "
"It is," she said. "I
just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
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7. PRAY FOR THE LIVING AND THE DEAD
Subject: Nearsighted Minister
A nearsighted minister glanced at
the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: Bill Jones
having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for
his safety.
Failing to observe the punctuation,
he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife,
desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
-----------------------------------
Prayer for Tithing
I want to tithe," a man told
his pastor, "I want to give 10 percent of my income to my church. When my
income was $50 a week, I gave $5 to the church every week.
"When I was successful in
business and my weekly income rose to $500 a week, I gave $50 to my church every
week.
"But now my income has gone to
$5,000 a week, and I just can't bring myself to give $500 to the church every
week."
The pastor said, "Why don't we
pray over this?" The pastor began to pray, "Dear God, please
make this man's weekly income $500 a week so that he can tithe..."
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