MURPHY'S  EMERALD  IDYLL

HUMOR

The Ten Commandments

This is perhaps the most sensitive an area about which for one to joke.  The commandments have been the subject of much interpretation and discussion for centuries.    People disagree  over meanings and even the sequence of listing them. There are many people who seem to live their lives as though they think they should be called, "The Ten Friendly Suggestions."    Such is not the case, of course,  and it is not my intention to disrespect them.   Please remember that whenever a story is told that is at odds with a commandment,  it is not the commandment or God that is awry,  it is Man. With his thoughts or actions, it is Man who sets himself to be the butt of the joke.   Rather than attempt to change man with judgmental lectures,   I think it is better to try to change man by good example,   and by trying to improve him by gently prodding him with a smile.
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                                          1.  THOU SHALT NOT HAVE FALSE GODS BEFORE ME.
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        A man is praying, and he asks God, "God, how much is a million years to You?"
        And the voice of God responds, "A second."
       "And how much is a million dollars to You?"
       "A penny."
       "Can I have a million dollars?"
        And God responds,  "In just a second.'"

         A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his  students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
        So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
         Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
        Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
        Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,  "I know!  I know!  He's in our bathroom!!!"
        The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
        Little Johnny replied,  "Well,  every morning my father gets up,  bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,   'Jesus Christ,  are you still in there?'!"
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                                                            3. THOU SHALL KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.

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From: Aiken Drum <Aiken@AikensLaughs.com> Date: Friday, May 12, 2000 3:34 AM

            A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday  mornings instead of going fishing.
          The pastor was highly gratified and told him,   "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"
         "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman,  "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."
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                                                4.  THOU SHALL HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER.
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         Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.|
        After creating Heaven and Earth,  God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
      "Don't what?",  Adam replied.
       "Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
        "Forbidden fruit?   Really?   Where is it?"
        "It's over there," said God,   wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
        A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.
        "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
        "Uh huh," Adam replied.
       "Then why did you?"
        "I dunno," Adam answered.
        God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
        Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.   But, there is reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
        If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
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                                                                        5.  THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

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        Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
        One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.   He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.   He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
         The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.   When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.   A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
         She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

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                                                        6.   THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

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From: Jokes EveryDay Mailing List <jokes@jokeseveryday.com>
Date: Sunday, March 28, 1999 9:34 PM

            I was holding a notice from my 13-year-old son's school announcing a meeting to preview the new course in sexuality. Parents could examine the curriculum and take part in an actual lesson presented exactly as it would be given to the students. When I arrived at the school, I was surprised to discover only about a dozen parents there.
         As we waited for the presentation, I thumbed through page after page of instructions in the prevention of pregnancy or disease. I found abstinence mentioned only in passing. When the teacher arrived with the school nurse, she asked if there were any questions.   I asked why abstinence did not play a noticeable part in the material.
         What happened next was shocking.   There was a great deal of laughter, and someone suggested that if I thought abstinence had any merit,  I should go back to burying my head in the sand.  The teacher and the nurse said nothing as I drowned in a sea of embarrassment.   My mind had gone blank, and I could think of nothing to say.  The teacher explained to me that the job of the school was to "teach facts," and the home was responsible for moral training. I sat in silence for the next 20 minutes as the course was explained.   The other parents seemed to give their unqualified support to the materials.
         "Donuts, at the back," announced the teacher during the break. "I'd like you to put on the name tags we have prepared - they're right by the donuts - and mingle with the other parents."
         Everyone moved to the back of the room.   As I watched them affixing their nametags and shaking hands,   I sat deep in thought.   I was ashamed that I had not been able to convince them to include a serious discussion of abstinence in the materials.   I uttered a silent prayer for guidance.   My thoughts were interrupted by the nurse's hand on my shoulder.
         "Won't you join the others, Mr. Layton?"   The nurse smiled sweetly at me.   "The donuts are good."
         "Thank you, no," I replied.
         "Well, then, how about a name tag?   I'm sure the others would like to meet you."
         "Somehow I doubt that," I replied.
         "Won't you please join them?" she coaxed.
         Then I heard a still, small voice whisper, "Don't go." The instruction was unmistakable. "Don't go!"
         "I'll just wait here," I said.
         When the class was called back to order,   the teacher looked around the long table and thanked everyone for putting on nametags.   She ignored me.
         Then she said,  "Now we're going to give you the same lesson we'll be giving your children.  Everyone please peel off your name tags."
         I watched in silence as the tags came off.   "Now, then, on the back of one of the tags,  I drew a tiny flower.  Who has it,  please?"   
        The gentleman across from me held it up. "Here it is!"
        "All right," she said. "The flower represents disease.  Do you recall with whom you shook hands?"
         He pointed to a couple of people.
         "Very good," she replied. "The handshake in this case represents intimacy.   So the two people you had contact with now have the disease."   There was laughter and joking among the parents.
         The teacher continued, "And whom did the two of you shake hands with?"
         The point was well taken, and she explained how this lesson would show students how quickly disease is spread. "Since we all shook hands, we all have the disease."
         It was then that I heard the still, small voice again.  "Speak now, it said, "but be humble."
         I noted wryly the latter admonition,  then rose from my chair.  I apologized for any upset I might have caused earlier,  congratulated the teacher on an excellent lesson that would impress the youth,  and concluded by saying I had only one small point I wished to make.
         "Not all of us were infected," I said. "One of us...abstained."

          Our priest wanted to keep the church open all day Sunday, but was wary of theft and vandalism. His solution was to put an intercom between the church and rectory so he could monitor what went on inside the church from the rectory.
         One afternoon, he heard a metal-against-metal sound and figured someone was trying to break into the poor box.
         In his deepest voice, he spoke into the intercom.
         "Hello," he said calmly. "This is the Holy Spirit. Can I help you?"
         There was a yell and the sound of a dropped tool. The pastor looked out the window and saw the would-be thief in full flight.
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         "How can you be truthful and yet satisfy the doting parents of so many babies at whose christenings you officiate?" a famous minister was asked. "Surely you must give yourself away sometimes when an infant is less than beautiful and bright."
         "It is very simple," smiled the wise clergyman. "I have one formula which for truthfulness and effectiveness has not yet failed me. I lift up the baby,  look at it for a moment, then proclaim with a sigh: 'Now, THERE is a baby!' "
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                                                      9.   THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE
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Date: November 15, 2000 7:32 AM

         Morris and Sam were friends since they went to school together in the Bronx. Both had moved to Florida with their wives and met frequently for coffee  and gossip about the old crowd.
         One morning, Sam comes into the coffee shop with a look of despair on his weathered features.
         "What's wrong, Sammy?" Morris asked.
         Sam sighed and said, "I caught Selma cheating."
         Morris couldn't believe his ears. "Selma cheating?  You've been married over 50 years.  You're both over 70.  When did you catch her cheating?"
         Sam shook his head.  "Last night I caught her.  She didn't deny it.  She says she's been doing it since we were married.  She says she did it on our honeymoon.  She asked me why I never caught her -- for 52 years, I never won a gin game from her.  She was cheating all these years."
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                                                10. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.

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From: Joke List <rodney@rcjokelist.com>
Date: Friday, August 13, 1999 9:47 PM

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