MURPHY'S  EMERALD  IDYLL

HUMOR

Seven Heavenly Virtues

    The Seven Heavenly Virtues  historically are considered to be:  Faith,  Hope,  Charity,  Gratitude,
Justice,  Temperance and Prudence.   These values bring to mind the following jokes.

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                                                                                            FAITH

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
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                                                                                    CHARITY

Today's humor from Rodney and Cathy's Joke List.  Submitted by: jolene@mindspring.com

Church Donation

        The church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate.   When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced,   "Whoever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up".
         An old lady stood up and said,  "I did".
         The preacher told her,   "Since you are so generous as to put that much money in the plate,   I would like to let you pick out three hymns."
         Excitedly,   the old woman said,   "Oh, Good!   I'll take him,  and him,  and him."

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                                                                                GRATITUDE

        A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse: Her son had some down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school.
        When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor. Seeing he son like that -- his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration -- frayed her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared.   She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge  from the examining room, which he was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand.
         "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away."
         By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.
        At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . . . . . Which was locked.   Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch,  locked inside the car.
        She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home.   When her son finally answered,  she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!"
         The boy was barely able to speak.  In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in with that."
         The phone went dead.  She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore.
         After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers.   Hurrying out of the mall,   she allowed herself a smile of relief.   As she was about to step off the curb,  she halted.
         She stared at the wire coat hanger.  "I don't know what to do with this!"  Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying.
        Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger.  Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person  NOW, Lord. Amen,"
        She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her. A young man,  twentyish-looking, in a T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair, and then the beard that hid everything south of his nose. He was coming her way. When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger.
         "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?"   He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand.
         "Where's the car?" Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door was open.
        When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a Christian."
         He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."
         She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless God! she cried. "He sent me a professional!"

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                                                                                    JUSTICE

        Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious
       It seems the  liquor store window was made of  Plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

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                                                                                TEMPERENCE

           A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his collar was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
         After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Shay, Father, what caushes arthritish?"
         "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
         "Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
         Having second thoughts about his abrupt manner, the priest nudged the drunk and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
         "Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was jusht reading here that the Pope does."

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                                                                                        PRUDENCE

From: Helene Barba <hbarba@juno.com> Submitted by Prescott
Date: Friday, October 08, 1999 4:21 PM

         A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
         "It's in the judge's hands, now," said the lawyer.
        "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
         "Oh no!" said the lawyer, "That would definitely NOT be prudent. This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.    He might even find you in contempt of the court.   In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
         Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.   As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,  "Thanks for the tip about the cigars.  It worked."
        "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
         "But I did send them," said the defendant.
         "What?? You did?"
         "Yes, That's how we won the case."
         "I don't understand," said the lawyer.
        "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

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