SACRAMENT JOKES
The Sacraments
This is another subject,
like the Ten Commandments, which are not usually found in joke
discussions. I happen to think that if we remind ourselves that "We
the People" are the ones with the flaws which generate the laughter, and that there is room for many subjects in
the realm of Humor. We need to find more ways to bring religious topics
into our lives. No one is comfortable being around strongly religious
people who feel they have to brow beat others into a kind of submission.
Life is one of our most precious
gifts. It has its share of heartaches and setbacks, but a sense of
humor can help us get through it. A sense of humor is one of God's gifts
for us to enjoy. He didn't put us on earth to be miserable. God put us
here to give each of us a chance to prove we would be good company for him for
all eternity. That's right--good company. Would you want to spend
all eternity next to some sourpuss? Think about it. Look in the
mirror. Then look around you at all the faces of everyone else.
After doing that, remind yourself that we are made in God's image.
Now, can you honestly doubt that God has a sense of humor?
We have to remember that if
Values, the things that we value in our humanity, can remind us of jokes, then
the reverse is true. Whenever we hear a joke, we can always be reminded of
the values, both good and bad, which are present or absent from the joke.
I cannot speak extensively of the religious
ceremonies of other religions, but the Catholic church has seven rituals
called sacraments.
Six of which are commonly received by most Catholics. The seventh,
Holy Orders, the ordination of priests, is received in place of Matrimony
for some men. In very rare cases, a widowed man might become a
priest and receive all seven.
The sacraments are: Baptism,
Confirmation, Penance, The Holy Eucharist, Holy Orders, Matrimony, and The
Anointing of the Sick. This last was called Extreme Unction years ago in
reference to
the holy oils used in blessing the sick. The word,
"Extreme" was not exactly comforting. The current name is much more
explanatory.
BAPTISM
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Prepared Baptismal
Before performing a baptism,
the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a
serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think
so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a
caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our
guests."
"I don't mean
that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared
spiritually?"
"Oh,
sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of
whiskey."
http://jokeindex.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/jokeindex/sendit.pl"
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From: Teresa's Jokers <teresa@family-net.net>
Date: Tuesday, May 30, 2000 8:52 AM
How to Baptize
A Baptist and a
Catholic were discussing the different ways their churches
baptized people: total immersion or just pouring the water over
the head.
The Catholic said,
"Well, just how much water do you need? Knee deep?"
-- "No, more
than that."
"Waist
deep?"
-- "More."
"Up to the
chin?"
-- "You need
more water than that!"
"Over the
head?"
-- "Yes, that's
right."
"There you go.
That's where we put it!"
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CONFIRMATION
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Confirmation is a sacrament which confirms that the individual has learned
what he should know about his faith and blesses him with anointing of oils and
the laying on of hands. A light touching on the cheek by the bishop
is to serve as a reminder that we may have to fight for our faith in meeting
opposition to it. It is based on the Pentacostal event in which the Holy
Spirit came down and touched the apostles, to equip them with the knowledge
needed to go forth and spread God's message. We should be prepared to
defend, verbally, the tenets of our faith.
There was this Christian lady who had to do a lot of traveling for her
business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous, so
she always took her Bible along with her to read, and it helped to relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he
gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After
a while he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff
in there, do you?"
The
lady replied "Of course I do. It IS the Bible."
He
said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She
replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It
IS in the Bible."
He
asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time
inside the whale?"
The
lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get
to heaven I will ask him."
"What
if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"In
that case, you can ask him." Replied the lady.
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From the Clean Christian Jokes Page! Copied from
our Stories page on 12-28-97
From: MIKE_CHAMBERS@HP-USA-om24.om.hp.com
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PENANCE AND RECONCILIATION
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Where Kids Go
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know
where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure,"
Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."
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Repeat Confession
An old Irish Catholic Lady
knelt in the confessional and said, "...I had an affair with a man two
years ago."
The Priest
replied, "My dear lady! Your sin is forgiven! You have confessed that sin
twice before this year."
The old woman
answered, "I know, I just like talking about it."
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From: "Joke List" <rodney@rcjokelist.com>
Date: May 25, 2001 9:15 AM
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Lena Returns Home
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
before long, she became a successful performer in show business.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE EUCHARIST
For those who
are not familiar with it , the Catholic mass is a ceremony which commemorates
the final Passover meal enjoyed by Jesus with his disciples prior to his
execution by the Romans. In the history of man's relationship with
God, many stories are told which involve sacrifices offered to God.
Early sacrifices often involved animals such as lambs, one of the animals
commonly raised because of its ability to survive in the desert.
Eventually the sacrifices evolved into religious rituals which drew upon
other kinds of sacrifices, like devoting periods of time to religious
worship, pledging changes in the behavior of our daily lives, and
conducting religious ceremonies which use symbolism to remind us of
events upon which the foundations of our modern faiths are
built.
Our Jewish
cousins regularly celebrate the feast of Passover to thank God repeatedly
for bringing about their safe escape from slavery in Egypt. In
accomplishing that, God not only made it possible for Judaism to
survive, spread and flourish, but in enabling Judaism to survive, he
enabled Christianity to come into being and flourish as well. As a result,
hundreds of millions of people in our shared heritage have been able to
find comfort and inner strength in their lives.
Jews use the
symbolism of the unleavened bread, wine, bitter herbs and other items to
remember that the speed at which they were required to travel to safety
prevented the preparation of normal meals.
Christians
use unleavened bread and wine to remind ourselves about Jesus' physical
sacrifice for us. He knew full well that by teaching that the only
acceptable behavior for mankind was one involving peace, love and
brotherhood He would not be regarded well by those in authority. Military
dictatorships get nervous when they see thousands of people
gathering to hear such things. In Christianity, Jesus is equated to
a sacrificial lamb. The bread and wine offered at each and every
mass is offered to us as it was offered to the apostles as a source of
spiritual nourishment and
strength.
I was a bit
hard pressed to come up with jokes involving the Eucharist as you can
imagine. Obviously, such a sacred subject does not exactly
have a lot of hilarious stories connected to it. Hence I felt drawn into a
log winded introduction for these jokes. I hope I haven't been too boring
and I hope these are worth the wait
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Abraham's Test
Q: Why did God test Abraham with sacrificing his only son, Isaac, when
Isaac was a young boy?
Learning About the Exodus
Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church, Washington,
Pennsylvania, spent a week at the Synod school with his two children.
The
school's theme focused on Moses and the Exodus.
When
they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother:
"Guess what, Mommy. We made unleaded bread!"
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Say The Blessing
A wife invited
some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter
and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say,"
the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy
say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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From: "Jokes EveryDay Mailing List" <jokes@jokeseveryday.com>
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MATRIMONY
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Converting the Natives
A zealous,
energetic bishop discovered a tribe of Eskimos in the Yukon who
had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or
marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation
by running around baptizing and confirming everyone.
He also
grabbed every beaming couple that walked by on the street and
married them on the spot..
Later, the tribal
chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the
chief which part they enjoyed the most.
"We
like marriages ," the chief said, smiling.
"All got new wives!"
From: Joke List <rodney@rcjokelist.com>
Date: November 19, 2000 1:16 AM
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HOLY ORDERS
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New Confessional
The local parish had a fairly new
priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part
accepted by the congregation.
His mentor, an older priest,
came for a visit, to see how he was doing.
ANOINTING OF THE SICK
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Denounce the Devil
The priest was
preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly,
the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of
his evil!"
The dying man said
nothing.
The priest repeated
his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked,
"Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said,
"Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate
anybody!"
meirman@QQQerols.com e-mail by removing QQQ
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