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A FAMILY HISTORIANS LAMENT

I've been doing family history for nearly 30 years,
Diligently tracing my illustrious forebears,
From Pigeon Lake to Peterborough, Penrith to Penzance,
My merry band of ancestors has led me quite a dance.
There's cooks from Kent and guards from Gwent and chimney sweeps from  Chester.
There's even one daft fisherman lived all his life in Leicester,
There's no- one rich or famous, no not even well-to-do,
Though a second cousin twice removed once played in goal for Crewe.
I've haunted record offices from Gillingham to Jarrow,
The little grey cells of my mind would humble Hercule Poirot.
I've deciphered bad handwriting that would shame a three year old,
And brought the black sheep of the family back to the   fold.
My bride of just three minutes, I left standing in the church,
As I nipped into the graveyard for a spot of quick research.
Eventually I found an uncle, sixty years deceased.
That was far more satisfying than a silly wedding feast,
After three weeks of wedded bliss, my wife became despondent
She named the public records office as the co-respondent.
I didn't even notice when she packed her bags and went
I was looking for a great granddad's will who'd died in Stoke on Trent
But now my 30 year obsession's lying in the bin
Last Tuesday week, I heard some news that made me pack it in.
Twas then my darling mother, who is not long for this earth,
Casually informed me they'd adopted me at birth!

UTHOR UNKNOWAuthorNUTHOR UNKNOWN


 
He didn't like the casserole  And he didn't like my cake. 
My biscuits were too hard...  Not like his mother used to make. 
I didn't perk the coffee right,  He didn't like the stew 
I didn't mend his socks  The way his mother used to do. 
I pondered for an answer  As I was looking for a clue 
Then I turned around and smacked him ...  
Like his mother used to do.



 

LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy .

  ... you just hoped nobody ever found out.


 




 
 

I'm my own grandpa.

Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!


 




 
 

TO THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's

    First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

    They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.

    Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

    We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

    As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.

    We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

    We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

    We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

    We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

    No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

    We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

    We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms..........

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

    We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

    We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

    Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

    This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

    The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

    We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

    And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS to all who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives 'for our own good.'

    Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!


 




 
 

~Heredity~

I saw a duck the other day.
It had the feet of my Aunt Faye.

It quacked, then headed up the hill
And waddled like my Uncle Bill.

And when it turned, I must propose,
Its bill was formed like Aunt Jane's nose.

I thought, "Oh, no! It's just my luck,
Someday I'll look just like a duck!"

I sobbed to Mom about my fears,
And she said, "Honey, dry your tears.

You look like me, so walk with pride.
Those folks are all from Daddy's side."


 




 
 
Genealogy Taglines  ~The Collection~
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control
A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots
A great many family trees were started by grafting
A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor
A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away
After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
Alright! Everybody out of the genetic pool!
Always willing to share my ignorance...
Am I the only person up my tree - seems like it
Ancestors were just people...
Any family tree produces some lemons, nuts and bad apples
At last a chance to make my skeletons dance!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Biochemists wear designer genes

C A U T I O N ! ... You have now entered the Genealogy Zone
Climbing my family tree was fun until the nuts appeared!
Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
Cousins marrying cousins: VERY tangled roots!
"Crazy" is a relative term in MY family
Death is just nature's way of dropping carrier
Do I hear the rattle of chains?
Documentation....The hardest part of genealogy
Don't sit under the family tree with anyone else but me!
Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
Every family tree has some sap in it
Evolution is God's way of issuing updates

FLOOR: (n) The place for storing your priceless genealogy records
For a reply, send a self-abused, stomped elephant to...
Gene-Allergy - It's a contagious disease, but I love it!
Genealogists are like monkeys, always in the trees
Genealogists are time unravelers
Genealogists do it generation after generation....
Genealogists live in the past lane
Old genealogists never die, they just haunt cemeteries
Old genealogists never die, they just lose their census
Genealogy - a search for the greatest treasures - our ancestors
Genealogy - it's only an obsession after all!
Genealogy - will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
Genealogy is like Hide & Seek: They Hide & I Seek!
Genealogy...it's not a hobby, it's an obsession
Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people
Ghosts are merely unsubstantiated roomers

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE ??
I can trace my Taglines back 8 generations
I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap
I looked up my family tree...there were two dogs using it
I researched my family tree... apparently I don't exist!
I shook my family tree, a bunch of nuts fell out
I should have asked them BEFORE they died!
I think my ancestors had several "bad heir" days
I used to have a life, then I started doing genealogy
I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand
I'd rather look for dead people than have 'em look for me
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower
I'm no genealogist. ... Until this year I spelled it "geneOlogist!"
I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes
I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged
I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me?
I'm stuck in my family tree, and I can't get down
If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help...
Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem, leads to two more!
It is hereditary in my family not to have children
It's a poor family that hath neither a whore or a thief
It's hard to believe that someday I'll be an ancestor
It's 1995. Do you know where your great-grandparents were?

Jeanealogy: the study of LEVIS and WRANGLERS
Many a family tree needs trimming
May the Saint of Genealogists bless you!
My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
My family came on the Mayflower...or was it Allied?
My family coat of arms ties at the back.....is that normal?
My family tree is a few branches short! Help appreciated
My family tree is lost in the forest
My family tree must have been used for firewood
My genes are so tight, they may stay with me forever
My hobby is genealogy, and I raise dust bunnies as pets
Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards as progress
Originality is the art of concealing your sources

RELATIVES...People who come to dinner who aren't friends
Remember, undocumented genealogy is mythology.
Searching Shipping records? Simply naval gazing
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality
Shh! Be vewy, vewy quiet...I'm hunting forebears. Elmer Fudd
Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
So many ancestors...so little time!
Sometimes I think my grandfather was in a government protection program.
That's strange; half my ancestors are WOMEN!
That's the problem with the gene pool: No lifeguard
The gene pool could use a little chlorine!
There is strength in our Roots
They've said *you* are the fertilizer of your family tree!
To a genealogist, EVERYTHING is relative!
Try genealogy. You can't get fired and you can't quit!

Warning!! There are no lifeguards in the gene pool!
What do you mean my Birth Certificate expired?
What do you mean my family tree has root rot!
What do you mean my grandfather didn't have any children?
When I searched for ancestors, I found friends!
When marriage is outlawed only outlaws will have inlaws
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
When tracing ancestors, please stay within the lines.
Whoever said "seek and ye shall find" was NOT a genealogist
Why are there so many gnarled limbs on my family tree?
With MY luck, my family tree has root-rot!
Wow, half of my forefathers are women!
Yikes! My genes are faded and full of holes!



 
 

I LOVE being  Southern!
_____

Only a  Southerner knows the difference between a
hissie fit and a  conniption fit, and that you don't
"HAVE" them, you "PITCH"  them. 

Only a Southerner knows how many fish,  collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a  mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out  to you the
general direction of  "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how  long "directly" is
-- as in: "Going to town, be back  directly."

Even Southern babies know that  "Gimme some sugar" is
not a request for the white, granular sweet  substance
that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of  the
table.

All Southerners know exactly  when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know  the concept
well.

Only a Southerner knows  instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor  who's got trouble is
a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl  of cold
potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a  real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana  puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the  difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece."  They
also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile  or
20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and  understands, the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy,  and po'
white trash.

No true Southerner  would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is  actually going to make a
turn.

A Southerner  knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun,
a verb, or an  adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while  standing in lines.
We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when  we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!

Put  100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're  related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners  never refer to one person as  "ya'll."

Southerners know grits come from corn  and how to eat
them.

Every Southerner knows  tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly  wonderful; that red
eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that  fried
green tomatoes are not a breakfast  food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I  caught myself
lookin'," you know you are in the presence of  a
genuine Southerner!

 Only true Southerners  say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need  for sugar and lots
of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.  "Sweet
milk" means you don't want  buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you  don't scream
obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH  on the freeway. You just say,
"Bless her heart" and go your own  way.

To those of you who're still a little  embarrassed by
your Southerness:
Take two tent revivals and a  dose of sausage gravy and
call me in the morning. Bless your  heart!

And to those of you who are still  having a hard time
understanding all this Southern stuff, bless  your
hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes  on
Southernness as a second language!

And  for those that are not from the South but have
lived here for a  long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front  porch
that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as
fast  as I could."

Bless your hearts, ya'll have a  blessed day.
   ______

From Hilma Ardito
Author unknown


 



 
 

THE COMPUTER'S  SWALLOWED GRANDMA!! 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The computer's swallowed grandma 
Yes' honestly' its true 
She pressed 'control' and 'enter' 
And disappeared from view. 

It's devoured her completely 
The thought just makes me squirm 
Maybe she's caught a virus 
Or been eaten by a worm. 

I've searched through the recycle bin 
And files of every kind 
I've even used the internet 
But nothing did I find. 

In desperation I asked Jeeves 
My searches to refine 
The reply from him was negative 
Not a thing was found 'online'. 

So, if inside your 'In Box' 
My Grandma you should see
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her 
In an e-mail back to me

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 By Unknown


 

 

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