MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 14 1971 DEAREST JOHN, I WENT TO THE DOOR TODAY AND THE POSTMAN DELIVERED A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE. WHAT A THOROUGHLY DELIGHTFUL GIFT. I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE SURPRISED! WITH DEEPEST LOVE AND DEVOTION AGNES --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 15 1971 DEAREST JOHN, TODAY THE POST MAN BROUGHT YOUR VERY SWEET GIFT. JUST IMAGINE TWO TURTLE DOVES. I'M JUST DELIGHTED AT YOUR VERY THOUGHTFUL GIFT. THEY ARE JUST ADORABLE. ALL MY LOVE, AGNES --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 16 1971 DEAR JOHN, OH! AREN'T YOU THE EXTRAVAGANT ONE! NOW I MUST REALLY PROTEST. I DONT DESERVE SUCH GENEROSITY, THREE FRENCH HENS. THEY ARE JUST DARLING. BUT I MUST INSIST, YOU'VE BEEN TO KIND. LOVE, AGNES --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 17, 1971 DEAR JOHN, TODAY THE POSTMAN DELIVERED 4 CALLING BIRDS. NOW REALLY, THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL, BUT DON'T YOU THINK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? YOU'RE BEING TO ROMANTIC. AFFECTIONATELY, AGNES --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 18, 1971 DEAREST JOHN, WHAT A SURPRISE! TODAY THE POSTMAN DELIVERED 5 GOLDEN RINGS; ONE FOR EVERY FINGER. YOU'RE JUST IMPOSSIBLE, BUT I LOVE IT. FRANKLY, ALL THOSE BIRDS SQUAKING WERE BEGINNING TO GET ON MY NERVES. ALL MY LOVE, AGNES --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 19 1971 DEAR JOHN, WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR THERE WERE ACTUALLY 6 GEESE-A-LAYING ON MY FRONT STEPS. SO YOU'RE BACK TO THE BIRDS AGAIN HUH? THOSE GEESE ARE HUGE. WHERE WILL I EVER KEEP THEM? THE NEIGHBORS ARE COMPLAINING AND I CAN'T SLEEP FOR ALL OF THE RACKET. PLEASE STOP! CORDIALLY, AGNES --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 20, 1971 JOHN, WHAT'S WITH YOU AND THESE FUCKING BIRDS? 7 SWANS A SWIMMING. WHAT KIND OF DAMN JOKE IS THIS? THERE'S BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE AND THEY NEVER STOP WITH THE RACKET. I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT AND I'M A NERVOUS WRECK. ITS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE, SO STOP WITH THOSE FUCKING BIRDS! SINCERELY, AGNES --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 21,1971 OK BUSTER, I THINK THAT I PREFERRED THOSE FUCKING BIRDS AFTER ALL. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 8 MAIDS-A-MILKING? ITS NOT ENOUGH WITH 8 MAIDS AND THOSE FUCKING BIRDS, BUT THE DAMN WENCHED BROUGHT THEIR 8 DAMN COWS ALSO. THERE IS SHIT ALL OVER THE LAWN AND I CAN'T MOVE IN MY OWN HOUSE. JUST LAY OFF ME SMART ASS! AGNES --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 22,1971 HEY SHITHEAD! WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND OF SADIST? NOW THERE IS 9 PIPERS PLAYING. AND CHRIST DO THEY PLAY! THEY'VE NEVER STOPPED CHASING THOSE MAIDS SINCE THEY GOT HERE. THE COWS ARE GETTING UPSET BECAUSE THOSE SLUTS WONT MILK THEM, AND THEY'RE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE FUCKING, SCREECHING BIRDS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? THE NEIGHBORS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME. YOU'LL GET YOURS, AGNES --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 23,1971 YOU ROTTEN PRICK, NOW THERE IS 10 LADIES DANCING. I DONT KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE TRAMPS LADIES, THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG. NOW THE COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA. MY LIVING ROOM IS A RIVER OF SHIT. THE BUILDING COMMISSIONERS HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE CAUSE WHY THE BUILDING SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED. I'M SICCING THE POLICE ON YOU! ONE WHO MEANS IT. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVE BEAVER VALLEY CO DEC 24, 1971 LISTEN FUCKHEAD, WHAT'S WITH THE 11 LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THOSE MAIDS AND LADIES. SOME OF THOSE BROADS WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN. THOSE PIPERS RAN THROUGH THE MAIDS AND HAVE BEEN COMMITTING SODOMY WITH THE COWS. I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED YOU ROTTEN, VICIOUS, SWINE. YOUR SWORN ENEMY --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LAW OFFICES BADGER, BENDER & CAJOLE 303 KNAVES STREET CHICAGO ILL DEC 25, 1971 DEAR SIR: THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LATEST GIFT OF 12 FIDDLERS FIDDLING, WHICH YOU HAVE SEEN FIT TO INFLICT ON OUR CLIENT, MISS AGNES McHOLSTEIN. THE DESTRUCTION WAS TOTAL, OF COURSE. ALL CORRESPONDENCE SHOULD COME TO OUR ATTENTION. IF YOU SHOULD ATTEMPT TO REACH MISS McHOLSTEIN AT HAPPY DALE SANITARIUM, THE WARD ATTENDANTS HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED TO SHOOT TO KILL ON SITE. WITH THIS LETTER PLEASE FIND ATTACHED A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST. CORDIALLY, BADGER, BENDER, & CAJOLE