Tech Support Follies.......
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At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my Annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus.  She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's.  She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that The Computer was going to blow up.

Tech Support:  "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer:  "Ok."
Tech Support:  "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer:  "No."
Tech Support:  "Ok.  Right click again.  Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:  "No."
Tech Support:  "Ok, sir.  Can you tell me what you have done up until
this Point?"
Customer:  "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."(At this
point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the Tech Support
staff what had happened.  I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I
got back to the call.)
Tech Support:  "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer:  "I have done something dumb, right?"

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries
in her laptop.  When told that the directions were on the first page of
the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn
thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

Customer:  "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:  "Did you install the update?"
Customer:  "No.  Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Customer:  "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:  "Tell me what you've done."
Customer:  "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support:  "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:  "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:  "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:  "What?"
Tech Support:  "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer:  "No..."

Tech Support:  "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer:  "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

Customer:  "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support:  "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer:  "I can't open the box."
Tech Support:  "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer:  "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."

Customer:  "I'm having a problem installing your software.  I've got a fairly old
computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support:  "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive.  Go to A:\ and type 'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support:  "All right, the correct file is there.  Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer:  "Ok."  (pause)  "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support:  "Hmmm.  The file's there in the correct place.  It can't
help but do something.  Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and
hitting the Enter key?"
Customer:  "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command
or file name'."
Tech Support:  (now really confused)  "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer:  "Well, yeah.  Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the
'M' key...does that matter?

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the
computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer:  "Hello.  I can't get on the network."
Tech Support:  "Ok.  Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer:  "What is that?"
Tech Support:  "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer:  "Ok.  Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

And the best for last...
Customer:  "I got this problem.  You people sent me this install disk and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support:  "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer:  "That's what I said.  You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support:  "Did it not install properly?  What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer:  "I didn't get any error message.  The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out.  So I got these pliers and tried to get it out.  That didn't work either."
Tech Support:  "You did what sir?"
Customer:  "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge.  I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support:  "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer:  "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose.  I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support:  "Let me get this clear.  You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"  At this point, I put the call on the speakerphone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support:  "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer:  "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support:  "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"
Silence.
Tech Support:  "Sir?"
Customer:  "Yes."
Tech Support:  "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer:  "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!"
Tech Support:  "Let me get this straight.  You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer:  "Ummmm."
Tech Support:  "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support:  "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.   Have a nice day."

                         Prison vs. Work

     IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
     AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

     IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
     AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

     IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
     AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

     IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open
    all  the doors yourself.

     IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
     AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

     IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
     AT WORK...You have to share.

     IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
     AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

     IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
     AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
     deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

     IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the
     inside wanting to get out.
     AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
     inside bars.

     IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
    AT WORK...They are called supervisors.

    IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
    AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.

    Now get back to work...

   TRUSSED PARROT AU VIN
What a stirring sight this dish makes. A parrot cooked to a crisp, trussed with piano wire, mounted upon a pedestal and decorated with diced turnip, the whole towering above a calm European wine lake on which boats of French beans sail back and forth like a tiny green armada. A piece-de-resistance for that special dinner party.

                                    INGREDIENTS
1 large turnip
4 litres European semi-rose wine
1 large parrot
500g butter
1 handful of French beans

                                    METHOD
Pluck, dress and truss parrot. Dot with butter and roast in a preheated oven at 400°F (200°C). Dice turnips and boil with French beans until very, very soft. Remove parrot when crisp and place on pedestal, feet to the ceiling. Fill base with Euro wine, decorate parrot with diced turnip and float French beans on wine lake.
                                  COOKS TIP:
Go for the parrot that's spent it's life showering insults and obscenities on one and all, since a feeling of great satisfaction at "getting even " can be experienced at the trussing stage.
                                   WINE LIST
For your consideration, may I suggest either
                            COBBER VALLEY RED
   From Australia, a cheeky number with a mystic whiff of the outback. Imported into England where it's known as "Convicts Revenge," this is excellent with Rodent but lends itself well to poultry also.
                         EDELWEISS PETAL WINE
   A delicate, fruity, altogether efficient little wine from that happy-go-lucky, laugh-a-minute nation of people, the Swiss. Not so much a gnome of Zurich but more a giant of Geneva, this white is perfect with parrot.
    My name is Lorin, and I will be your server this evening.

 A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.
 "What's the matter?" he asks.
 "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None  of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
 "What's the picture of?", he asks. "It's of a big rooster", she  replies."All right," he says,  "I'll come over and have a look.
 "When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him  over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He takes one  look at what she's been struggling with and says,

 "Oh, for goodness sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

THE ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one has to drop off. Otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in  return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping  their hands...

Extract from the Australian Etiquette Handbook for Men

 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
 3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
 take the trailer to the funeral home.
 
 DINING OUT:
 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly  so as not to bruise the wine.
 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
 
 ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a  taxidermist.
 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his  manners.
 
 PERSONAL HYGIENE:
 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
 3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

 DATING (Outside the Family):
 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
 
 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will  say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
 the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
 
 THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
 
 WEDDINGS:
 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean footie jumper can create a tacky appearance.
 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
 
 
 DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight.
 2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

  World's Easiest Quiz

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what creature?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

Finished?

Answers below!

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
 *116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
 *Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
 *Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
 *November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
 *Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
 *Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
 *Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch?
 *Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
 *New Zealand

What do you mean you failed?