christmas

CHRISTMAS STUFF

The Legal View of Christmas Eve

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter the House) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter Claus) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as I), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter Mamma), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the Vehicle) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the Deer). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph
may have been involved.

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either
express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute gifts to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as lookouts. Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night Or words to that effect.
Respectfully Submitted,

The Grinch
==============================================================================================================

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

================================================================================================================

Anyone out there have any KLAUSes ????
Searching for: KLAUS, Nicholas (surname was Anglo-ized to Claus)

Born pre 1400s somewhere in Germany. Very unusual Family Tree due to the fact that he has NO KNOW NATURAL DESCENDANTS! Only a large number of unofficially adopted children, whom he saw only once per year to give them toys and candy.

Some genealogist studying this surname claim that he was canonized. Married another German native woman of unknown name or parentage, as she only went by Frau Klaus (or Mrs. Klaus).
Occupation: Officially undetermined but it is known that he kept a large herd of deer-like animals and that he employed a large number of minority workers that were titled: Helpers.

Any information you may have on this Surname or individual would be most appreciated. Am very new to genealogy and would appreciate some help with this. I've been looking for this one for a while now!

Thank You
================================================================================================================

This is from Brig. Gen. Bob Clements, USAF (ret). Please read.

To: All Retired Military Personnel

Subject: Official Command Visit

This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit:

1. No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.
2. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours. Uniform for nap: pajamas, cotton, light drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose.
3. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugarplums to dance through their heads. This item may be picked up in the orderly room.
4. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires. Individual sections will submit stocking-hanging plans to Capt. Kringle by 0800 hours, 22 December.
5. At first sign of clatter from lawn, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open shutters and throw open window sashes.
6. Volunteers are needed to drive one sleigh, miniature, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of Gen. Claus. Driver must have current roof-top license.
7. Gen. Claus will enter all sections through chimneys. Sections without chimneys will draw a Chimney Simulator from Link Services for use during ceremonies. Requests must be submitted in triplicate prior to 20 December.
8. All personnel will be rehearsed in shouting "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night." This shout will be given upon termination of Gen. Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of all section chiefs.
Signed,
Ebenezer Scrooge
Colonel, USAF Commander
====================================================================================================================

The Psychiatrists Christmas

SCHIZOPHRENIA ~ Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY~ We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA ~ I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC ~ Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA ~ Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn ... or, Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY ~ Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PARANOIA ~ Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER ~ You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION ~ Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE ~ Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell ...

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ~ On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me ...... (and then took it all away)

=========================================================================================================================

TOOTHLESS GRIN (hankie required <g>)

      I was doing some last-minute Christmas shopping in a toy store and decided to look at Barbie dolls for my nieces.
      A nicely-dressed little girl was excitedly looking through the Barbie dolls as well, with a roll of money clamped tightly in her little hand.
When she came upon a Barbie she liked, she would turn and ask her father if she had enough money to buy it. He usually said "yes," but she would keep looking and keep going through their ritual of "do I have enough?"
      As she was looking, a little boy wandered in across the aisle and started sorting through the Pokemon toys.
      He was dressed neatly, but in clothes that were obviously rather worn, and wearing a jacket that was probably a couple of sizes too small. He, too, had money in his hand, but it looked to be no more than five dollars or so, at the most.
      He was with his father as well, and kept picking up the Pokemon video toys. Each time he picked one up and looked at his father, his father shook his head, "no."
      The little girl had apparently chosen her Barbie, a beautifully-dressed, glamorous doll that would have been the envy of every little girl on the block.
      However, she had stopped and was watching the interchange between the little boy and his father. Rather dejectedly, the boy had given up on the video games and had chosen what looked like a book of stickers instead. He and his father then started walking through another aisle of the store.
      The little girl put her Barbie back on the shelf, and ran over to the Pokemon games. She excitedly picked up one that was lying on top of the other toys, and raced toward the check-out, after speaking with her father.
      I picked up my purchases and got in line behind them.
      Then, much to the little girl's obvious delight, the little boy and his father got in line behind me.
      After the toy was paid for and bagged, the little girl handed it back to the cashier and whispered something in her ear. The cashier smiled and put the package under the counter.
      I paid for my purchases and was rearranging things in my purse when the little boy came up to the cashier. The cashier rang up his purchases and then said, "Congratulations, you are my hundredth customer today, and you win a prize!"
      With that, she handed the little boy the Pokemon game, and he could only stare in disbelief.
      It was, he said, exactly what he had wanted!
      The little girl and her father had been standing at the doorway during all of this, and I saw the biggest, prettiest, toothless grin on that little girl that I have ever seen in my life. Then they walked out the door, and I followed, close behind them.
      As I walked back to my car, in amazement over what I had just witnessed, I heard the father ask his daughter why she had done that. I'll never forget what she said to him.
      "Daddy, didn't Nana and PawPaw want me to buy something that would
make me happy?"
      He said, "Of course they did, honey."
      To which the little girl replied, "Well, I just did!"
      With that, she giggled and started skipping toward their car.
Apparently, she had decided on the answer to her own question of, "do I have enough?"
      I feel very privileged to have witnessed the true spirit of Christmas in that toy store, in the form of a little girl who understands more about the reason for the season than most adults I know!
      May God bless her and her parents, just as she blessed that little boy, and me, that day!

====================================================================================================================

I think Santa Claus is a woman.

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

-Men can't pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
-Men don't answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

===================================================================================

A Computer Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.
The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."
The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.
Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;
But your name and your address (computers can't lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.
You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"
Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho",
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:
"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me."
Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
"Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug!

======================================================================

Twas the week before Christmas, and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even the hubby! :-))
What I would not give, to be a mouse
or tonight take a hot tubby!

But what should appear, but a house to be cleaned
and Oh how I work from here to there
Only to find more to be gleaned!
No wonder he calls me a bear........... :-))

I will be happy this Friday, when the kids do appear
For then it will take but a minute
For all the house cleaning to disappear
At least then, it will look like someone has been in it!

Have a very Merry Holiday Season all!!
(The best this poet laureate can do)
Margit

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Australian Jingle Bells
------------------------------
Dashing through the bush,
in a rusty Holden Ute,
Kicking up the dust,
esky in the boot,
Kelpie by my side,
singing Christmas songs,
It's Summer time and I am in
my singlet, shorts and thongs

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut !,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Engine's getting hot;
we dodge the kangaroos,
The swaggie climbs aboard,
he is welcome too.
All the family's there,
sitting by the pool,
Christmas Day the Aussie way,
by the barbecue.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Come the afternoon,
Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and Uncle Bruce,
are swimming in their clothes.
The time comes 'round to go,
we take the family snap,
Pack the car and all shoot through,
before the washing up.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

===================================================================================================

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

Editorial printed in the New York Sun in 1897.
We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author
is numbered among the friends of The Sun:

Dear Editor---
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is
there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O'Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They
think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In
this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the
intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to
your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no
Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas
eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign
that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on
the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor
even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and
view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

NOTICE FROM NORTH AMERICAN FAIRIES AND ELVES UNION LOCAL 210:

We regret to inform you that, effective immediately, Santa Claus will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to
the overwhelming current population of the earth, his contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 210, and he now serves only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract, Santa will also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. Your children will not be ignored on Christmas Eve - they will be in the good hands of your local replacement, Santa's second cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares Santa's goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, however, you may notice a few differences in the service.
For example:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe, though he dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. Reindeer were once mistakenly issued to Bubba Claus, who now has a couple more nice trophy heads over his fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Ernhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Petty...."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" will be replaced by "Yee-haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond in unison, "I hear'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." He also has a few other decorations on his sleigh back as well, such as a string of flashing Christmas lights around the license plate, and a caricature of
Santa Claus going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit V" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. You should make sure that the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.

9. And finally, Christmas songs about Santa Claus, such as "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" will be replaced on all AM radio stations in the South by your new official Christmas carol, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."

YEE-HAW!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!